Shoot Em Up (2007)

"How Would You Like To Learn
How To Shoot Anybody, In Any Situation And At Any Time?"

(You'll even Learn how to Kill Men.....
while having Mind-Blowing Sex at the same time!)

• Clive Owen, Monica Bellucci and Paul Giamatti give Great Performances!

• Lots of Irresponsible Gun Fights!

• Lots of Outrageous Stunts .....involving Guns!


• A Great Sex Scene .....involving Guns!

• Lots of Family Bonding and "Togetherness".....involving Guns!

• Lame Left-Wing Political Garbage about Gun Control.....which is followed by More Gun Fights and Gruesome Death!

Running Time: 86 Minutes

"Danny's Personal Feelings About
Shoot Em Up"

Featured Movie Review:
SHOOT EM UP

"No Name, No Past, Nothing To Lose"

It is pure Action.....and NOTHING Else!

There's really no story in Shoot Em Up.....and what little story that is here is just a meant to give you a breather before the Next Great Action Scene!

The lack of story just leaves room for more Action Scenes!

Shoot Em Up doesn't have a message at all.

It doesn't try to save the world.....it's just Pure Entertainment! This is a Fun Movie to Watch!

Since then Owen has given some Great Performances in Inside Man, Children of Men and he'll be in Sin City 2!


Copyright © 2007 New Line Cinema,
All Rights Reserved

• Monica Bellucci caught my Lustful Eye in 2003.

She had a small role in The Matrix Reloaded and The Matrix Revolutions!

Danny fell in Love with her immediately!

After seeing her in The Matrix Reloaded, I searched for her on the internet to see what other movies she's been in.

I found out that she's been in a number of movies in Europe.


European movies are very Nude/Sex Friendly, so I decided to get one of Monica Bellucci's Euro-Films expecting to see her in some great Nudie/Sex Scenes!

I ended up purchasing a French Movie (with English Subtitles) she did in 2002 call Irrιversible.....which is one of the most violent movies I've ever seen!

Bellucci is the victim of a Very Graphic, Very Violent Rape/Murder scene in the movie that is Too Horrible to watch.

Dirty Danny admits that he wanted to see her naked.....but not like that!

However, Monica Bellucci is Funny, Sexy and Outrageous in Shoot Em Up!

Copyright © 2007 New Line Cinema,
All Rights Reserved

• Paul Giamatti has been in a lot of Great Movies over the past 15 years.....mostly as a Supporting Actor but he's been getting more and more Leading Roles in the past few years.

Giamatti has had roles in:

• Donnie Brasco

• Private Parts

• The Truman Show

• Saving Private Ryan

• The Negotiator

• Man on the Moon

• Sideways

• Cinderella Man

• The Illusionist

• Lady In The Water

• John Adams
  • An 2008 HBO mini-series which is getting OUTSTANDING Praise from Critics!

As a matter of fact.....

"This Movie Only Cares About
Two Things:"

Sex And Guns!

Mr. Smith (played by Clive Owen) is trying to protect a new born baby from being killed by Gun-toting Desperadoes and CIA Thugs.

Mr. Hertz (played with "Sinister" Enthusiasm by Paul Giamatti) is leading the charge to kill the innocent little baby!

Mr. Smith drags his "Lactating" Hooker Girlfriend into this mess to act as the baby's wet nurse.


The Hooker's name is Donna Quintano or DQ for short (played by Monica Bellucci).

Shoot Em Up all about Mr. Smith trying to solve the puzzle of why all these guys are trying to kill this baby while, at the same time, killing Every Single Bad Guy that gets in his way!

Clive Owen is Great with is Dead-Pan Face and his Cheesy One-Liners!

His best One Liner comes at the beginning of Shoot Em Up when he tells a bad guy to "Eat your vegetables".....after he just got through killing him with a vegetable!


• The best part of Shoot Em Up is not an action scene.....it's when Mr. Smith starts to make Preachy Liberal Speeches advocating Gun-Control.

Danny Was Shocked!

After all, Mr. Smith has proven himself to be a Complete Butcher! This Fuckin' Guy kills EVERYBODY with his Guns!

By the time Mr. Smith starts to make these "Gun Control" Speeches, he has killed at least 50 guns with vast assortment of guns!

But, out of Nowhere, he then tries to help this Pussy Liberal Politician who wants to create more Gun Laws.

The way Danny sees it Shoot Em Up doesn't give a shit about Gun Control.....it's just one more crazy sequence in the middle of all the other crazy sequence.

Even after that small part of the movie ends, Mr. Smith then finds himself killing more bad guys.....about 10,000 Feet in the Air!

"Monica Bellucci Is Super Hot"

"Paul Giamatti Is Super Evil"

She could wake up one morning with A Huge Hangover and Stoned out of her mind on Heroin with Dried-Up Vomit in her Hair.....and she would STILL be Super-Nova HOT!!!

She's closing in on 40-Years Old.....but she totally Blows Away almost ALL of the "So-Called" Sexy Celebrities!

Good Guy, Bad Guy.....this Guy can do it all, man!

His best performance had to be in Cinderella Man, where he came Pretty Damn Close to stealing Every Single Scene he had with Russell Crowe!

In Shoot Em Up, he's Great as a Diabolical Assassin.....who Always calls his Wife and Son to tell them how much he loves them and misses them.


• Look at the above picture with Giamatti holding that Huge Gun.....with his Tiny, Little Girl Hands!

I never noticed until now that Giamatti has Midget Hands.....it's Hilarious!

• Also, Giamatti is a Balding Runt of a Man.....like Danny himself!

He's a inspiration to Chunky, Bald-Headed Weirdos like Danny that you don't need "Flowing Locks" or "Washboard Abs" to make it in this world!

Besides, when Danny becomes a Super-Billionaire, the first thing I'm doing is making an appointment for some Hair Plugs and some Liposuction!

Instant Results without Pain, Effort or Commitment.....that's The American Way in the 21st Century!


• And before any of you Women even think it.....Mr. Hertz is NOT using that Huge Gun to "Compensate" for Anything!

So please give the "Girlie/Whining/Nagging" Psycho-Analysis a Rest for once!

Danny knows that NONE of your "Brilliant" Female Knowledge about Men comes from your Personal Life Experiences.

Danny knows that ALL of it comes from those Fat, Ugly, Sexless, Menopausal Trolls on that TV Show — The View!

Mr. Hertz is justing being Efficient in his work.....Danny wishes that Everyone would care about the Quality of their Work as much as Mr. Hertz does!

This movie really does teach a Very Valuable Lesson about Violence in the Movies.

This movie teaches us that.....

"Extreme Violence Is Extremely Fun.....
And Extremely Sexy"

When the baby finally arrives, Mr. Smith realizes that he doesn't have time to find scissors to cut the umbilical cord because more bad guys keep showing up with their Guns Blazin'!

So Mr. Smith gets creative and cuts the cord.....with his Gun!

Mr. Smith is so good at killing that when bad guys burst in while they both in mid-orgasm, he still has the presence of mind to shoot the bad guys as they come into the door.

But DQ is so into the Great Sex that she keeps pounding away on Mr. Smith's Crotch while bad guys die all around them.

She isn't even aware of the Gun Shots and Bullets whizzing by.....

AWESOME!

The main character is a Professional Hitman who has women practically throwing themselves at his feet. He NEVER has any difficulty getting some "Poontang" from a Gorgeous Woman!

But he Never lets the Woman interfere with Business.....he'll even do business meetings while a Naked Chick is straddling him and screaming her head off!

The Professional is Cool as Ice, man!

But the bad guys decide to jump out too; firing there machine guns at Mr. Smith as they free fall.

Mr. Smith manages to pick off these bad guys by doing all kinds of mid-air flips and somersaults.

I'm pretty sure some of Sir Issac Newton's Universal Laws of Physics are broken in this scene.....but it's still a Great Action Sequence.


This Skydiving scene solidifies the fact that absolutely NO THINKING is required to enjoy Shoot Em Up!

If fact, if you try to think while watching Shoot Em Up, you'll only hurt yourself!

However.....

"The Insanity In This Movie
Is Hilarious"

When all three manage to escape, Mr. Hertz says, "My God! Do we really suck or this guy really that good?"

You really have to hear him say this in the context of the scene to really get the joke!

Mr. Smith has already gotten away from Mr Hertz TWICE by this point and he's Really getting annoyed that he can't kill this Fuckin' Guy!

Mr. Hertz is trying so hard to kill Mr. Smith and the little baby.....you almost feel like routing for Mr. Hertz to kill that "Little Bundle of Diaper Shit!"

Carrots are good for your eyes.....and Mr. Smith puts this fact to good use during the movie

But it's health benefits aren't the only reason he likes carrots.

When he doesn't have any guns in his hand, the carrot becomes a handy weapon.


• Mr. Smith is a Very Grumpy Guy!

Throughout the movie he is telling DQ about the things he hates in Life.

But Mr. Smith doesn't just talk about the stuff he hates like a pussy! Mr. Smith does something about it.....like a MAN!

When Mr. Smith gets annoyed by a 40-year-old thug sporting a pony-tail haircut, he shoots the guy in the back of the head in such a way to cut off the pony-tail.

When Mr. Smith gets annoyed by a driver who doesn't use his signals when changing lanes, he rams that driver off the road.

When Mr. Smith gets annoyed by a Lying Politician, he assassinates that politician!

DQ gives a random guy walking down the street the Best Blow Job of his life to earn some cash!

She then uses her "Dirty Mouth-Sex" Money to get a bullet-proof vest for the baby.....she just wraps it around the baby like a blanket.

That when Mr. Smith says, "Makes me wonder what you would do to get him into the right school."

By the way, at one point in Shoot Em Up, DQ is actually working at a Dairy Queen!

"CAST

OF

SHOOT 'EM UP"

Danny's Top 5 Cool Movie Quotes!

Mr. Smith: I'm a British nanny, and I'm dangerous.

[lobby of henchmen laugh]

Mr. Hertz: [growing serious] And if that happens in this show, I will do a lot more than ask for my money back.

DQ: Notice what?

Mr. Smith: Look.

[flicks channels on TV]

Mr. Smith: Lame-ass politician rants about gun control, he cries.

[flicks again]

Mr. Smith: Switch to this channel with this heavy metal music... he shuts up. That's so weird.

DQ: Not particularly.

Mr. Smith: Because these rich bastards have to be callous and inconsiderate in the first place to make all that money, so when they get on the road, they can't help themselves. They've gotta be callous and inconsiderate drivers too. It's in their nature.

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